(There’s a large round table, conference room-style, with Doderman sitting at the table with a small stack of papers in front of him. Vecna sits immediately to his left. The shades are drawn, and there’s a water cooler in the corner. Harsh fluorescent lights shines down from the ceiling. All around the room, Hicks and Snout, Chief, The Mysterious Dr. X, Pain, and GP are standing around chatting. Doderman bangs a gavel onto the table, and everyone sits down.)
Doderman: Okay, everyone. Let me start by introducing Vecna here. Starting today, he’s my new assistant.
OMNI: Hey, Vecna!
Vecna: Hello, everyone. After the success of that first Interview, I’m looking forward to working here permanently with you all.
Doderman: Thank you, Vecna, I’m sure I speak for the rest of the staff when I congratulate you and hope to see you stick around for the long haul. Now, onto the normal business. We just got in a new batch of Interview applications today. As usual, take a peek at them, see if anything stands out. Vecna, could you hand these out to everyone?
(Vecna stands up)
Doderman: Oh, and, um, could you put on a glove first? No one here can survive a deathtouch.
(Vecna laughs and slides on a leather glove, then proceeds to hand everyone one of the packets.)
Doderman: Okay, you’ll notice we got a lot of choices this-
The Mysterious Dr. X: Whoa, sweet. Guys, check it out- page 22. Malcanthet sent more nude photos in with her application. I am your host, The Mysterious Dr. X, saying “guess I’ll add them to the collection”.
(he grabs the photos while everyone but Doderman starts furiously flipping through the folder)
Hicks: Wow. You seen this, babe?
Snout: I have now. Wow is right.
Pain: Damn. This is, like, NUDE nude. We’re talking all skin. For some reason, I was actually expecting at least a LITTLE clothing.
(looks across the table at The Mysterious Dr. X)
Pain: Nice find, The Mysterious Dr. X.
Doderman: Yes, thank you, everyone. You’re all adults here. But since you brought it up, she didn’t send in nude photos with her application. She sent them AS her application. Just like she does every week. You think you’d be used to it by now.
The Mysterious Dr. X: Used to it? What?
Doderman: You know, I just figured that by now, you would be accustomed to-
Chief: Uh, if I may, boss? Pardon the interjection. I believe the thought my esteemed colleague is attempting to get across isn’t confusion. Rather, it seems to me he’s expressing incredulity that you could- nay, that you even SHOULD- ever get to the point of passive acceptance when it comes to nude women. “Enthusiasm in all things mammarian”, if you will.
(The Mysterious Dr. X nods and gives Chief a thumbs up)
Doderman: You’ve got me there. I suppose it WOULD be dumb to begrudge anyone that. In that case, I just ask that you wait until after the meeting to drool over it.
The Mysterious Dr. X: I am your host, The Mysterious Dr. X, saying “you got it”.
Doderman: Excellent. Now, as I was saying, we have a lot to choose from this time. Anyone have any ideas? Any specific choice jump out at them?
(Pain looks at The Mysterious Dr. X and gestures out the number “53”)
(The Mysterious Dr. X flips to page 53 and his eyes widen)
The Mysterious Dr. X: Yeah, I do! Page 53. She seems like a good candidate.
Doderman: (sighs) I’m guessing she’s hot?
The Mysterious Dr. X: …Uh… I am your host, The Mysterious Dr. X, saying “fifth amendment”.
Doderman: Can you even tell me what her name is? You won’t be able to keep up the pretense of an interview if you don’t at least know that much.
The Mysterious Dr. X: Yeah, definitely. Her name is, uh, Araushnee.
GP: (without even looking up from the pages) You’re dense, you know that? That’s Lolth, bro. That’s Lolth’s name from when she was still good. What about Kord, page 36? He’s been trying for a while, and he seems like a nice enough guy. Throw him a bone and all that.
Snout: Ugh, is he that guy that just keeps on sending signed photos of himself doing deep thrust lunges? No thanks. What about page 17? Boccob seems nice enough.
Doderman: Not bad, I’ll put him on the list. Any other names jump out at anyone?
GP: Great Mother might be interesting. She might have a cool story or two.
Doderman: Okay, good. Come on, guys, I can’t work with two names!
Vecna: Uh, am I allowed to vote in this?
Doderman: (looks around, everyone shrugs) No one seems to have a problem with it.
Vecna. Great. So what about Hephaestus? He’s a great builder, he’s been around forever, all the Pharaonics respect him. (motions toward The Mysterious Dr. X) He’s got two sexy robot assistants.
The Mysterious Dr. X: Woo, sign ’em up! “Clank whirr buzz, please love us physically The Mysterious Dr. X, error 402 resistance not found”. Maybe we can do an interview with both of them at once!
Doderman: ae… stus. Okay, he’s on the list. Who else?
Chief: Excuse me. I have a question. What precisely is the status of that application there, sitting by you? It seems to be that we do not actually have a copy of that specific person.
Doderman: Oh, yeah, that’s, um… that’s Meepo. I didn’t include him because he’s not a deity. He isn’t a demon lord. He’s not even a demigod. He has absolutely no divinity whatsoever, he’s just… some regular, run of the mill kobold.
Chief: Do you mind if I…?
(Doderman looks around, confused)
Doderman: Uh, sure. Here you go? I was just gonna pitch it, but…
Chief: Much obliged. …Hm, I see. Very good. Yes, quite informative. Alright, I have made my decision. He is exactly the one. No debate.
GP: Uh, what? What decision? I know you’re kinda the head writer of it now, but you can’t just unilaterally decide. We do this as a team.
Chief: Indeed we do, and as well we should. And we shall continue to do precisely that, chum. You seem to have accidentally arrived at a most egregious of errors. I’m most certain it was unintentional, my good man, so no harm done. For you see, I was not accepting him as the newest subject of this most illustrious segment, but rather deciding he is to be my new co-host for said segment.
(They all stare at him)
Chief: Doderman, please call him back and inform him. Unless you’d rather I do it myself?
Doderman: Uh, you can do it, if you’d prefer it that way.
Chief: Excellent. Now, back to the matter at hand. What about 41, Kyuss?
Pain: 6, St. Cuthbert could be cool.
Vecna: We could always do a new one with me. That might be interesting.
The Mysterious Dr. X: Hello, another nude boob alert, guys. Page 30. Eilistraee has a really nice rack. I am your host, The Mysterious Dr. X, saying “let’s do her. Pun VERY intended”.
Snout: Ugh, stop doing that. You’re embarassing everyone here, most of all yourself. Maybe we could get a twofer with Chronepsis & Faluzure.
Hicks: Well, it wouldn’t really be a double team. You mean Null?
GP: Well, hold on- remember, they can control when they combine. All we would have to do is ask them to wait. Or for them to just not do it.
(…and on and on it went, into the long hours of the night. We eventually chose Hephaestus [+1 for you, Vecna], but he ended up not being available on the day we attempted to book him for. So, one of these days, we’ll finally get him in here.)
-The Whole Darn Gang (in his defense, they ARE all really hot)