Category Archives: Interview With A Deity

We sit down one on one with whatever god will return our phone calls. Hard hitting investigative journalism, asking the tough questions, from The Doderman Defense Network.

Our Most Recent Interview Yet!!

Meepo: Hello and welcome to Thursday’s Interview With A Deity. I am your host Meepo, and we will be talking today with demon lord and god of minotaurs, Baphomet. Hello, Baphomet, I’m glad you could make it today.

Baphomet: And I’m glad you asked. I think we’re gonna have a good time. I’m looking forward to it.

Meepo: So am I, my good man.

—–

1. WHO/WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DREAM DATE?

Baphomet: Do you want a joke answer, or the real answer?

Meepo: Hmmm. Is “both” possible?

Baphomet:  My answer is “a marathon of all three Mad Max movies, a large plate of nachos, and Audrey Hepburn”. Now, you have to piece together whether I mean it or not.

Meepo: Man, I don’t know you well enough.

Baphomet: You just might, by the end of this.

2. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

Baphomet: You know, I’d go with Steve Buscemi.

Meepo: Interesting. I must confess, I’m not sure I see a resemblance. What made you choose him?

Baphomet: Well, let’s be honest. No one really has a resemblance to him. He has a very… unique appearance. But, honestly, I’m not quite sure why. It just felt like the right choice, in some secret way.

3. DO YOU READ THE COMMENTS ONLINE?

Baphomet: Oh yeah. Definitely.

Meepo: And why is that?

Baphomet: My online dealings don’t really flock to places like Reddit, or 4chan, or places that are hotbeds of offensive chatter. Even YouTube I tend to stay away from.

Meepo: What kind of sites do you frequent?

Baphomet: Well, I really use the internet primarily as a procurement tool. I buy things off Amazon or eBay, I check the stock prices in the morning- I’m teaching myself investment banking!- things like that. I read my comics every day.

Meepo: Oh? What kind of comics do you read?

Baphomet: Man, I’ve been a huge fan of webcomics for years. Wondermark, Hark! A Vagrant, Perry Bible Fellowship. Nedroid. I just started getting into Chester 5000, and I’m really liking that, although it is not for kids, I can assure you of that. But anyway, there’s a stable of around a dozen to twenty comics that I read, and I spend about an hour each day when I first wake up going through and checking all of them.

Meepo: Okay, that’s five. What are some other ones you regularly read?

Baphomet: Uh, Questionable Content, Dinosaur Comics, xkcd. Rutabaga is pretty good. Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. Oglaf, which is also not for kids. I used to read MS Paint Adventures, but it got too confusing and storylines went on for too long to continue to hold my interest. I occasionally will read Dr. McNinja, but that’s not necessarily a everyday thing. And there’s a few more I’m sure I’m forgetting.

Meepo: What about that really famous one, about video games?

Baphomet: I assume you’re referring to Penny Arcade. No, I don’t read it. I don’t really go in for video games, so the subject matter didn’t interest me. Plus, I found the language to be a bit crude for my taste.

4. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU CAN’T DO, THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD?

Baphomet: Write good poetry. Everything I crank out just sounds like bad angsty teenager crap.

Meepo: You write poetry?

Baphomet: Gotta do something.

5. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY, LIVING OR DEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER?

Baphomet: Reuben.

Meepo: No, we were wondering what you would order, not who- oh, wait. Nice.

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MONSTER?

Baphomet: (rubs back of neck awkwardly) Uh, probably the minotaur.

Meepo: In retrospect, “duh” on me.

7. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST BONEHEADED THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

Baphomet: Not making a move on Pale Night.

Meepo: Interesting. I thought you two got along. What did she do to get your goat, if you’ll excuse the pun?

Baphomet: No, that’s not it. I guess I misspoke. Make a move on her, as in try to get her. Like, romantically.

Meepo: I… see. Well, now would be a perfect chance to tell her, considering that once this comes out, she’ll likely know.

Baphomet: Yeah, I know, I just… we’ve been friends for so long, and it might just seem weird, and- oh, I just got it! “Get your goat”, because I’m a minotaur! Ha! Okay, nice.

8. WHAT WOULD YOUR BAND BE CALLED?

Baphomet: Crunch.

9. WHAT WERE THE LAST THREE THINGS YOU GOOGLED?

Baphomet: (pulls out phone) “sensitive and misunderstood”, “just needs a hug”, and “xenu”.

10. ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
-MAC OR PC?
-DC OR MARVEL?
-SONY, MICROSOFT, OR NINTENDO?
-STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?

Baphomet: Oh, Star Trek, definitely. I really identify with it in this weird way, you know? It’s all about a group of different people that all share a common goal, traveling to all these different places, and cultures, and meeting all these different people, with such diversity, and the whole point is to not interfere. To just keep them the way they are, you know? Very inspiring.

Meepo: Groovy.

11. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA FIND?

Baphomet: Man, good question. (long pause) A way to accept it.

—–

Meepo: It seems we’ve run out of time, so Baphomet, I want to thank you for deciding to come by today.

Baphomet: Oh, no problem at all, Meepo. I’m hoping we can do it again.

Meepo (here’s hoping to many more guests in the future)

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The Supposed Interview

Hey, guys. Meepo here. I had put the finishing touches on a brand new Interview, and wouldn’t you know it, partway through editing, the program I use spazzed out on me, removing a whole bunch of my headway on the editing and formatting of the article. Now I have to redo huge chunks of it. And to be honest, considering I was just working on it for a good several hours before this happened (and all you people that are gonna comment “hurr durr, that’s why you save”- I did save. The problem was that my save deleted itself), I really don’t feel like spending time on it right now. So, no Interview this week. I’ll take some time later on this week to re-spruce it up, and we should be good to go from there.

-Meepo

An Interview For The Ages

Meepo: Hello, one and all, and welcome to the All-New, All-Different* Interview With A Deity! I am your brand-spankin’-new host, the great and terrible Meepo, here to share with you stories of the mighty and revered! Today’s guest is a bit lesser-known, but no less important, then the members of the draconic pantheon he is a member of. In fact, you could make the case that he is one of, if not the most important, member of the pantheon, rivaling that of the great Io. I think I’ll let you decide for yourself. In the meantime, our guest today is Chronepsis, Ruler Of Fate, Death, And Judgement!

(Chronepsis exhales and nods)

Meepo: So that’s all I’m getting? Not even a hello? Well, you nodded, which I suppose counts.

(Chronepsis stares at Meepo)

Meepo: Hm. Well, this interview will be… memorable. Quick question before we start. That harp floating around your head. Can you play it?

(Chronepsis snorts, harp starts playing on its own)

Meepo: Nice. Can you shred on it?

(Chronepsis rolls his eyes)

—–

1. WHO/WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DREAM DATE?

(Chronepsis scratches a shape on the ground resembling two triangles with their top points touching)

Meepo: Hm. Okay. Well, that’s the symbol you see in games and stuff for hourglasses. I think I saw something in my notes about you mentioning an hourglass.

(Chronepsis stares at nothing)

Meepo: Ah, here it is. Says here you spend your time in a cave filled with hourglasses representing the remaining life of each dragon in the multiverse.

(Chronepsis continues to stare)

Meepo: Quiet night in with your special gal, got it.

2. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

(Chronepsis shapechanges into a human)

Meepo: Should I… I don’t… I don’t think I know who that is.

(Chronepsis shapechanges into a lion with a black mane)

Meepo: Okay, you look like Scar from Lion King. Oh, wait! Scar! Jeremy Irons! Got it.

(Chronepsis turns back to normal)

Meepo: Good choice. I assume he’d voice you in the animated movie. I think the prosthetics would be a little much to do it live action.

3. DO YOU READ THE COMMENTS ONLINE?

(Chronepsis blinks)

Meepo: Who am I kidding. You probably don’t even own a computer. Next question.

4. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU CAN’T DO, THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD?

(Chronepsis crosses his eyes and sticks his tongue out)

Meepo: Yeah, that’s a good point. Immortality probably does become a drag after a while. Not natural, you know?

5. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY, LIVING OR DEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER?

(Chronepsis squints, lost in thought, then shrugs)

Meepo: Do you even eat anything?

(Chronepsis resumes staring)

Meepo: …You know, I’m just gonna put you down as a “free bread” kinda guy.

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MONSTER?

(Chronepsis snarls silently and seems to grow multiple heads)

Meepo: Hydra. Nice. Hydras are cool. Hydras? Hydra? Hydrae? Man, I dunno.

(Chronepsis’ illusory heads whip around momentarily, then disappear)

7. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST BONEHEADED THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

(Chronepsis’ harp starts playing the theme song to Interview With A Deity)

Meepo: Well, I never! It’s not exactly like you’re being the best possible guest you could be, either! I’m doing the best I can, but you’re just not giving me much!

(Chronepsis shrugs again)

8. WHAT WOULD YOUR BAND BE CALLED?

Meepo: You know, before you even say, I wanna guess. See if I can guess it.

(Chronepsis nods in deference)

Meepo: Alright, let’s see. Time?

(Chronepsis stares)

Meepo: The Clock Watchers?

(Chronepsis stares)

Meepo: How about No One Can Stop… The FATES!

(Chronepsis stares)

Meepo: I dunno. Portable Trampoline? World’s Biggest Hard Candy? Sippin Dat Sizzurp? I got nuthin’.

(Chronepsis makes a brief gesture with one claw)

(Meepo’s phone goes off)

Meepo: Oh, a text. Sorry about that. Give me just a moment.

(Meepo studies his phone for a moment)

Meepo: I assume this is from you. I don’t know what “hotararea de ieri pentru totdeauna” means. I don’t even know what language it is.

(Chronepsis blinks)

Meepo: You know, okay. You don’t want to tell me, fine. Give me a minute.

(Meepo starts pecking away at his phone)

Meepo: Okay, apparently- assuming this app is correct- it’s Romanian for “Judgement Of Yesterdays For Eternity”. Sound about right?

(Chronepsis nods)

Meepo: You couldn’t have just said that?

9. WHAT WERE THE LAST THREE THINGS YOU GOOGLED?

(Chronepsis motions towards Meepo’s phone)

Meepo: Okay, let’s see. (Meepo waits a few moments) …This is blank. It opened up three internet tabs, and none of them have anything on them.

(Chronepsis nods)

Meepo: Hm. So when I guessed earlier you didn’t own a computer, I suppose I was correct.

10. ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
-MAC OR PC?
-DC OR MARVEL?
-SONY, MICROSOFT, OR NINTENDO?
-STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?

(Chronepsis turns green)

Meepo: I… I don’t know what that means? You like green? Luigi, from Mario Brothers? Incredible Hulk? Greedo? You gotta give me something to work with.

(Chronepsis’ head grows fins on the sides)

Meepo: I got nuthin’. Wait, I have an idea. Hold that pose.

(Meepo takes a photo of Chronepsis on his phone, then types a few things and waits)

Meepo: (consulting phone) Are you supposed to be… Fin Fang Foom?

(Chronepsis flaps his wings)

Meepo: Uh, okay. For all you that don’t know, Fin Fang Foom is a giant alien dragon from Marvel Comics. So I guess he chose part two, and Marvel as his answer.

11. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA FIND?

(An hourglass appears in front of Chronepsis, which promptly turns over, emptying the sand from the top section)

Meepo: You find… that someone or something is gonna run out of time? That definitely sounds like something you would say.

—–

Meepo: Well, I think I’m gonna call it with that! I feel it’s safe to assume after that you all feel a little smarter for being able to figure all those out. I know I did. Here we are, my first time in the big chair, and I gotta play Charades for the evening. But hey, it was interesting! Thanks, Chronepsis, for visiting!

Meepo (well, I knew I would be getting a difficult guest one of these days)

* Note- not actually new or different

Staunch Traditionalism: A Chat

Meepo: Well folks, it’s Interview Friday, and what an interview it is! Joining us today is that most stalwart of companions, Berronar Truesilver herself! Known most famously as Moradin’s wife, she is in fact a major deity in her own right, using her maternal focus and iron will to keep the dwarf pantheon’s collective head cool when problems crop up.

Chief: But hey, we don’t want to spend the entire time just talking about her- let’s at least give her the chance to explain herself! So here she is- Berronar Truesilver, come on down!

Berronar: It is an honor, Mr. Chief and Mr. Meepo.

Chief: I can assure you, madam, the honor is ours. It’s not every day we meet one of the highest-ups in a given pantheon.

Berronar: Maybe not every day, sure, but you have before. Gruumsh? Blibdoolpoolp? Kurtulmak? The heads of their respective pantheons. I, however, am not.

Meepo: Um, well, that’s true I guess. But you’re still very influential. I find it… inspiring. Also, his name is #TopKekG now.

Berronar: …No it isn’t. Anyway, there’s no need to be THAT excited. They were influential too, to their own followers. I’m not different.

Chief: …Hm. I’ve got a question. Why are you going out of your way to minimize your own importance?

Berronar: It’s not so much I’m claiming I’m less important than I seem- that would be dangerous and unwise- but merely that I’m attempting to make sure we see things in proper perspective, and- if I’m remembering you’re phrase earlier correctly- “keep everyone’s head cool”.

Chief: You truly are a miracle worker.

Berronar: I just do what needs to be done.

—–

1. WHO/WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DREAM DATE?

Berronar: Well, Moradin, of course. We only have eyes for each other.

Chief: Yeah, I suppose asking “who is your dream date” to someone married was kinda dumb.

Meepo: Well, remember though. That whole thing with Hephaestus and Athena.

Berronar: (shakes head) For shame, that man. “In all things, one must be true”.

Meepo: Well, I mean, in his defense, he is in… a bit of a different situation than you are.

Berronar: (sighs) To each his own, I suppose.

2. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

Berronar: Glenn Close.

Chief: Wow, that’s two weeks in a row where they’ve just (snaps fingers) got it, right away. Like they already knew.

Berronar: Well, I’ll be honest. Since all the previous Interviews are up on the site, I already know what the questions are. I’ve had all this time since initially booked a couple weeks ago to come up with the answer.

Meepo: Okay, that’s fair. But just to be sure- name someone else, right now. Who would be your second choice?

Berronar: Uh, uh… Meryl Streep.

3. DO YOU READ THE COMMENTS ONLINE?

Berronar: Only when I’m feeling particularly sorry for myself. Otherwise, I try my best to stay away, as any reasonable person should.

4. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU CAN’T DO, THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD?

Berronar: You know, as a woman, there are a lot of things I wish I could do. But honestly, I would have to go with “stop the flight of youth from the church”.

Meepo: What do you mean by that?

Berronar: Well, a lot of young dwarves see myself and my husband as stodgy and out of touch, spending our times doing more of the same instead of enacting real meaningful progress.

Chief: So?

Berronar: So, they think that our beliefs are slowly strangling the long-term survivability of the dwarven people as a whole, and are turning their backs on our teachings, looking elsewhere for spiritual guidance.

Meepo: So, you don’t want them to leave, but you’re unwilling to meet their needs?

Berronar: Well , when you put it like THAT… look, what I want is for them to realize the wisdom of our words. And I haven’t been able to do that. And that’s my answer.

Chief: And what an answer it is.

5. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY, LIVING OR DEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER?

Berronar: Beer. Lots and lots of beer.

Chief: Interesting.

Berronar: No, you don’t understand. I basically can’t get drunk. Not only am I a dwarf, I’m a goddess! Literally! I could drink anyone under the table, and I will go out of my way to prove it.

Chief: I’m afraid to see you drunk.

Berronar: Why? I just said I can’t be. Why be afraid of something that doesn’t exist?

Chief: Your logic is unassailable.

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MONSTER?

Berronar: I love the balrog from Lord Of The Rings. That dude is great. I love whips.

Meepo: (clears throat) Better let Moradin know.

Berronar: (laughs) Oh, you. You’re so funny. We’ve been married for literally hundreds of years. He knows.

Chief: Haha, okay, MOVING ON

7. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST BONEHEADED THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

Berronar: Heh, uh, well, answer that last question the way I did.

Chief: What’s wrong with balrogs?

Berronar: You know, can we just, uh, drop it?

8. WHAT WOULD YOUR BAND BE CALLED?

Berronar: “7:37 PM, May 4th”.

Chief: Well now, bands don’t have names like that, that are just random. It obviously means something.

Berronar: You caught me, Mr. Chief. It’s the date and time my husband and I first met.

Meepo: (glances at watch) Happy belated anniversary.

Berronar: Thank you, sir.

9. WHAT WERE THE LAST THREE THINGS YOU GOOGLED?

Berronar: (pulls out phone) “Gogol’s”, “Goohle”, and “goole”.

Meepo: …You were searching for “google” on Google?

Berronar: I didn’t type those in on the site. My phone is an Android. So typing in the search bar automatically searches it on Google. Problem is, I have classic thick, short dwarven fingers. And I just got this phone a day or two ago, so I’m not used to typing on it yet.

Chief: Hey, you don’t need to defend your answers. It’s fine.

10. ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
-MAC OR PC?
-DC OR MARVEL?
-SONY, MICROSOFT, OR NINTENDO?
-STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?

Berronar: Oh, man, I don’t know. I don’t really follow any of that kind of stuff. I think Morrie has a Mac at home that I sometimes use to, like, look at pictures of cute cats and stuff. But beyond that… (swoops hand over head)

(Chief and Meepo glance at each other)

Meepo: That’s understandable. Not everyone always is. No worries.

Berronar: (shrugs) Sorry, guys.

11. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA FIND?

Berronar: Hopefully, more interesting things to say next time I come on here. Sorry for being so boring, guys.

Chief: No, no. You weren’t boring. You were you. That’s what we want. Deities just taking the chance to be themselves for a while, letting people see what they’re actually like.

Berronar: So that’s the mission the two of you have taken it upon yourselves to do?

Chief: Well, in our defense, we aren’t the only people that do it.

Meepo: I just work here.

Berronar: So you don’t take it seriously. Disheartening, I know, but every profession has its washouts.

Chief: …Wow, that was actually a really sick burn.

(Berronar smirks)

—–

Chief: And that, folks, means another Interview is wrapped up for the day! Stop by tomorrow for some science fiction action with The Mysterious Dr. X, and check us out again on Sunday as I spend some time with your favorite game- and mine- d20 Modern!

Meepo: Have a blast, pals!

The Chief (HAHA wow it took everything I had to bust out laughing when she said that)

Meepo (Dude, you don’t have to tell me twice. Heh. “Morrie”. Man, that one’s going on Twiter)

The Final-ish Frontier

Chief: Hello, everyone! Today is both a Thursday and a new Interview With A Deity! You know what that means- a new, uh… Interview. Like I, um, already said. Heh. Good ol’ “paying attention”.

Meepo: And we have what I feel is a pretty interesting choice for you all today. He’s a god that’s been around since (consults notes) first edition in 1982, but he was never really overly important or used very often (with one exception, which we’ll get into later). A lot of people no doubt forgot about him, but there he was, plugging away in the background doing his thing like normal.

Chief: And then, on August 19, 2014, a miracle. The fifth edition Player’s Handbook is released. On page 295, three lines down, there he is, listed among the core deities for the first time in his career. And we’ve brought him here to ask him how he feels about that, on top of a bunch of other stuff.

Meepo: So without any further stalling for time, here he is- Celestian, god of outer space!

Celestian: Good morrow to you, fair sirs!

Chief: I like your black cloak. Are those stars on it?

Celestian: Verily! Well, actually, they’re jewels that resemble stars, but close enough, I sayeth!

Chief: That’s cool stuff. Also probably heavy. There’s, uh, a lot of them on there. But enough of that. Let’s get to it.

Celestian: Aye, we shall!

—–

1. WHO/WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DREAM DATE?

Celestian: Sir, tis a valorous question! I of course findeth observatories to beest very romantic. And as far as who I would taketh, I doth not particularly mind who specifically I am with, as long as the fine maiden enjoys the sights and mine company.

Chief: So you think space is pretty romantic, eh?

Celestian: How could thee not? Such wonder, such possibility! Who knoweth just what is going on out thither??

Meepo: Well, besides you, of course. You’re known for wandering the cosmos.

Celestian: Well, aye, of course. I meanteth as a general rule.

2. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

Celestian: Adrien Brody.

Chief: That was quick. You had that ready to go.

Celestian: Aye, well, I hath spent a gross of time pondering just such a question.

3. DO YOU READ THE COMMENTS ONLINE?

Celestian: Nay. I doth not own a device that can connect to the internet. All mine time tis spent searching the cosmos.

Meepo: Searching for what?

Celestian: Mayhaps “searching” is not the correct word. I should sayeth “wandering” instead.

4. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU CAN’T DO, THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD?

Celestian: Telleth people what is in Celestian’s Gift.

Meepo: Which is…?

Celestian: Thousands of years ago, I hath sent a giant meteor crashing into the planet, and it hath been sitting thither untouched ever since. Everyone concurs that the core holds a most wondrous gift, but none has’t been able to concur on just what tis.

Chief: And why can’t you tell people what it is?

Celestian: Because the whole point of doing this wast to maketh people wend thither and findeth out what twas. Telling those folk defeats the purpose of doing ‘t in the first place.

5. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY, LIVING OR DEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER?

Celestian: Well, ‘t depends. Who is ‘t?

Meepo: Uh, it doesn’t matter.

Celestian: Except ‘t totally doest. How am I supposed to decideth what to order if ‘t be true that thy meaning escapes me regarding who I am thither with? What if ‘t be true I wanteth to order different things depending on who I am meeting?

Chief: …What?

Meepo: Uh, let’s see. “Except it totally does. How am I supposed to decide what to order if I don’t know who I’m there with. What if I want to order different things depending on who I’m meeting”. Is that about right?

Celestian: That is what I hath said.

Chief: Uh, no. No it isn’t. But anyway, it doesn’t really matter. What we want to know is what you would order, not who you would meet.

Celestian: Very well. I would order wine, lobster, a side dish of rice, and a goodly table outside. And of course what mine companion wanted as well.

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MONSTER?

Celestian: The Thing, from the 1982 film The Thing. In case thee art wondering, tis but a coincidence I hath chosen a movie from the same year I first hath appeared in the game.

Chief: Interesting. And why that specific movie, precisely?

Celestian: Thee mean, aside from the monster being from space? Tis a most wondrous movie. The creature can changeth shape. Who hath not wished themselves could changeth shape?

Meepo: But… can’t you already change shape? I mean, gods can do that, can’t they?

Celestian: I see thou art unaware of the rules on how divinity worketh. Aye, gods can changeth shape- if ‘t be true that those gents art of a class capable of casting spells with that effect, has’t the appropriate divine salient ability, or has’t control of a portfolio that provides ‘t. Merely being divine doest not inherently grant shapeshifting.

7. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST BONEHEADED THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

Celestian: Alloweth Spelljammer to end.

Chief: Really? You miss Spelljammer?

Celestian: Oh, forsooth. Up until fifth edition, twas the only time I has’t held any position of real prominence or import.

Chief: Oh, I didn’t know you were involved in the setting.

Celestian: I wast one of the main gods of the universe, for all the goodliness ‘t didst me and mine résumé.

8. WHAT WOULD YOUR BAND BE CALLED?

Celestian: The Starjammers.

Meepo: …Uh, you sure about that?

Celestian: Aye, of course. What is wrong with the name I hath chosen?

Chief: “The Starjammers” is already a thing.

Celestian: Forsooth? And in all mine wanderings, how didst I nev’r manage to cometh across’t?

Meepo: Well, I guess you just don’t really read comics.

9. WHAT WERE THE LAST THREE THINGS YOU GOOGLED?

Celestian: (pulls out phone) “rule 63 mario”, “hilarious conspiracies”, and “how to knoweth if ‘t be true the lady likes thee”.

Chief: …I thought you said you didn’t have any way to get on the internet.

Celestian: I doth not.

(Chief narrow eyes at Celestian)

(Celestian narrows eyes at Chief)

10. ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
-MAC OR PC?
-DC OR MARVEL?
-SONY, MICROSOFT, OR NINTENDO?
-STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?

Celestian: Star Wars and Star Trek art both most wondrous. But I generally prefer Trek, since tis about space exploration, while in Star Wars, space just a backdrop to describe whither the adventures befall the characters.

Chief: You know, the moment I saw this question, I knew he was gonna say that.

11. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA FIND?

Celestian: What ‘t doth feel like to finally beest a part of the core pantheon.

Meepo: You’ve been waiting for this since 1982, and suddenly here you are, in the Big Book, right there for everyone to finally see.

Celestian: I admit, twas a bit overwhelming at first. ‘t tooketh a bit to becometh accustomed to ‘t. But more than anything else, I wast just proud to has’t finally madeth ‘t. “This is what ‘t doth feel like to beest a core”, thee knoweth? A valorous feeling, to beest sure.

Meepo: A heartwarming tale, definitely.

—–

Chief: This week’s Interview, tis cometh to an end, yea, verily, forsooth and all that!

Meepo: That made no sense. Thanks to the classy Celestian for coming by today, and we hope you come by again!!

The Chief (although I gotta say, he sounded a bit more “divested in time”, not “divested in space”)

Meepo (are you saying you expected to hear him talking in some weird alien language?)

[Sultry Female Voice] Interview… After Dark

Chief: Hey there, folks, it’s that time again- that’s right, a brand-new Interview!

Meepo: I’m sure everyone is wondering why the three of us are sitting in our pajamas inside this huge bed.

Chief: Haha, I know I am!

Meepo: Well, Chief, we have with us today the famous Aphrodite, a goddess known for her frequent romantic excursions, as well as her carefree personality and easygoing nature.

Chief: Great! What the heck does that have to do with pajamas though??

Meepo: It’s a marketing tool used to imply a sense of intimacy, due to the possibly adult subject matter. I’m sure our intern here, Nadine The Intern Who Knows A Lot About Marketing Tools And She Also Only Has One Line, can confirm. Nadine?

Nadine: With this, I qualify for a SAG card.

Chief: Haha, excellent. Anyway, as Meepo said, we have Aphrodite with us tonight, so without further yakkin’, here she is!

Aphrodite: Hello, boys. Madam.

Chief: Well, uh, wow! The invitations definitely said “wear pajamas”! Well, Meepo, it looks like she followed the instructions to the letter- assuming she routinely sleeps in the buff!! Yowza!!

Meepo: Dude, get serious. Hello, Lady Aphrodite. Please excuse my acquaintance here. He forgets he’s no longer twelve sometimes.

Aphrodite: (smirks) That’s perfectly okay. This is routine for me, so I’m used to basically every reaction. It’s not an issue.

Meepo: Excellent. So are you ready to do it?

Aphrodite: I’d love to.

—–

1. WHO/WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DREAM DATE?

Chief: …IN BED!!!!

Aphrodite: One of them, yes.

Meepo: What do you mean by that?

Aphrodite: I mean “in bed” is one of my many dream dates. It’s of course not the only one- I’m not shallow- but I do believe in open expression, and sex is one way to do that.

2. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

Chief: …IN BED!!!!

Meepo: Thanks. We got that. Anyway.

Aphrodite: My answer actually changes yearly. Typically, it’s “whoever is considered the world’s most beautiful woman”. According to People Magazine, that would currently be Sandra Bullock. Can’t argue with that.

Meepo: Not a bad choice. So, you read People?

Aphrodite: I like to flip through and look at the pictures. I have zero interest in the actual stories- tripe, the lot of it- but I like the photos.

3. DO YOU READ THE COMMENTS ONLINE?

Chief: …IN BED!!!!

Meepo: Dude. If you aren’t gonna take this seriously, what are we even doing here?

Aphrodite: That doesn’t even make sense. But anyway, not really. They’re kinda nonsensical, and they aren’t really very intelligent, so they’re good for the occasional laugh, but that’s it. Too much hate. I’m all about love.

Meepo: The original hippie.

Aphrodite: Well, except for the whole “looking down on people that don’t do the same” part. If people want to be super strait-laced and stuffy, that’s fine. They’re people too, and they do what works best for them, you know?

4. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU CAN’T DO, THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD?

Chief: …IN BED!!!!

Meepo: SERIO- actually, that one kinda works.

Aphrodite: I wish I had better impulse control. As for the “in bed” version, I’m literally the goddess of sex.

Meepo: …?

Aphrodite: That’s all I was gonna say. Draw your own conclusions.

5. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY, LIVING OR DEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER?

Chief: …IN BED!!!!

Aphrodite: A big bowl of seedless grapes, two baked potatoes with butter, ranch dressing, and pepper, and a huge glass of lemonade.

Chief: Wow, that actually sounds really good.

Meepo: Quiet, y- that does sound pretty good. Good call on the grapes.

Aphrodite: Yeah, they’re my favorite.

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MONSTER?

Chief: …IN BED!!!!

Meepo: Just ignore him. I’m apparently the host today.

Aphrodite: Oh, don’t worry, I already have. Xenomorphs.

Meepo: …Really? Wow.

Aphrodite: You seem surprised.

Meepo: I figured you would picked, like, a succubus, or Natasha Henstridge in Species, or something.

Aphrodite: Sex isn’t my entire life. I do other things too, you know. I read, I get sad, I hang out with my friends, I watch scary movies.

Meepo: Of course. Sorry. I didn’t mean any disrespect.

Aphrodite: I’m sure you didn’t.

7. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST BONEHEADED THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

Chief: …IN BED!!!!

Aphrodite: (rolls eyes) Okay, so this one time, I was at a rave. Well, I’ve been to a rave more than once. But one of the times I was at a rave, right? And there was this woman there, Carla. No one knew her last name, but to the rave scene, there was only one Carla that existed. She was kind of a local legend in the underground.

Meepo: Okay.

Chief: Man, I would love to see you in full raver getup.

Aphrodite: Men generally tend to approve. Anyway, they were playing some Chemical Brothers, and I dropped my glowsticks. Carla picked them up, but I thought she was trying to steal them, so I attacked her. We fought for a while, then I discovered she was just trying to give them back to me. Boy, was I embarrassed.

Chief: So, what ever happened to Carla?

Aphrodite: When she died, she became my deific right hand. I believe the proper term is “exarch”. So, I mean, it worked out well, but it was still pretty stupid of me to jump to conclusions like that.

8. WHAT WOULD YOUR BAND BE CALLED?

Chief: …IN BED!!!!

Aphrodite: It’s funny you say that, because it actually would be called “In Bed”. We’d be kind of a soft electro-rock group that just makes some real chill stuff, you know? The kind of thing you’d put on before you go to sleep, and it would relax you and help you fall asleep faster.

Meepo: Wow. You’ve put some serious thought into this. This isn’t the first time you’ve considered being a professional musician, is it?

Aphrodite: Honey, I’m twenty levels of bard. I already am a professional musician.

9. WHAT WERE THE LAST THREE THINGS YOU GOOGLED?

Chief: …IN BED!!!!

Aphrodite: (pulls out phone) “rollins band”, “rob zombie dragula video hd”, and “iphone wallpapers”.

Meepo: “chill electro-rock”, eh?

Aphrodite: It’s not all I like.

Chief: Yeah, man. I’m equally likely to have Slayer or Marvin Gaye on my iPod.

10. ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
-MAC OR PC?
-DC OR MARVEL?
-SONY, MICROSOFT, OR NINTENDO?
-STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?

Chief: …IN BE-

Meepo: Nope. You’re done. Seriously. I’ve repeatedly asked you to stop acting the fool.

Chief: Good point. I apologize.

Aphrodite: Star Wars. Billy Dee Williams was a sight for sore eyes, I’ll put it that way.

Meepo: I’m sure he’d be thrilled to hear that.

Aphrodite: I’m sure he’s heard it before.

11. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA FIND?

Chief: After last week, you sure you’re comfortable asking this question any more?

Meepo: …I’m calling a mulligan on that one. Let the official record state his response was “uh, some thing cool I hope”.

Aphrodite: Anyway. What I’m looking for. I still haven’t found it.

(Meepo blinks in confusion)

Chief: (groans loudly) Oh, MAN, you went there. Let me guess- you were also hoping to find out how to dismantle an atomic bomb?

Aphrodite: Wow, nice. I take it you’re a fan?

Chief: Haha, wow, nope. Not even a little. I just know the reference.

Meepo: Uh, I don’t.

Chief: Keep it that way.

—–

Meepo: Well, everyone, I hope you had a blast! Join us next week for more hard hitting questions and intriguing answers!

Chief: You stay classy, internet!

Meepo (so seriously though, man, what was up with your performance today?)

The Chief (after the disaster that was last time we interviewed a sex-themed deity, I was trying to keep things light, airy, and fun, and I just went a little overboard with it)

We Approximation Of Sit Down With Torog

Chief: Hello, everyone, it’s time for an all-new, all-awesome issue of Interview! I’m Chief-

Meepo: -and I’m Meepo, and it promises to be a great time for all!

Chief: Today, we decided to do something that longtime followers of this blog might balk at, or at the very least definitely find strange. We… we, uh… (sigh) I can’t say it.

Meepo: (rolls eyes) We invited a god from fourth edition. Stop being so melodramatic, boss.

Chief: …Well, now that that’s out of the way. Torog is the god of torture and imprisonment. Typical backstory- all wounds would heal in seconds, went insane trying to figure out his limits, got locked away in the Underdark by the other gods. You know, Cliche 101 stuff.

Meepo: Very dismissive of you.

Chief: Well, you know, we want to keep it light and airy here on the Doderman Defense. Anyway, here he is- and don’t worry, the tarp is already laid down- Torog! Come on out here, you!

Torog: Hello Chief. Hello Meepo.

Meepo: So, Torog, tell us- how does it feel to be the initial goodwill ambassador of the critically maligned fourth edition here on the DDN?

Torog: I’m just glad you’re giving us a chance. It’s not my fault, you know. Fourth edition. So I would prefer it if you didn’t hold that against me.

Chief: Don’t worry about it. Hate the game, not the player, and all that.

—–

1. WHO/WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DREAM DATE?

Torog: My band opens for Slayer, then I torture the audience to death. Wait. You said “perfect”, not “previous”. Hm.

Chief: Yeah, uh, nope. Next question.

2. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

Torog: Hm. (thinks) Nicolas Cage.

Meepo: Fan of the Cagerino, are you, eh?

Torog: Uh, god of torture, bro. I know quality craftsmanship when I see it.

Meepo: (narrows eyes) I don’t think I like you very much.

3. DO YOU READ THE COMMENTS ONLINE?

Torog: (rolls eyes) GOD OF TORTURE. I invented them, dude.

Chief: Of course.

4. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU CAN’T DO, THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD?

Torog: Uh, look at me, bro. Nothing. OBVIOUSLY.

5. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY, LIVING OR DEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER?

Torog: That person’s guts.

Chief: Haha, gross.

Torog: Oh, and we’d be at a nude beach.

Meepo: Okay, kinda gross, kinda sexy. I think I can deal with that.

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MONSTER?

Torog: It’s not really a monster, so much as just the movie. Does that count?

Chief: Of course. We’re all about appreciating fine cinema here at The Doderman Defense.

Torog: Okay, uh, full disclosure, part of the reason I like it so much is because I was actually the executive producer. Just letting you know first.

Meepo: Okay dude, we get it. You’ve successfully built suspense.

Torog: Human Centipede.

(Chief immediately barfs)

Meepo: Whooaaaa, coooool. It’s like Diet Coke and Mentos.

Torog: Wow, that was quick. That usually only happens after the movie is actually playing.

7. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST BONEHEADED THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

Torog: Okay, see, the 90’s were a different time, alright? Let me just say that up front. Anyway, you know that game Street Fighter, yeah?

Chief: Sure, okay.

Torog: Well, in the 90’s, they made a movie version of the game.

Meepo: Oh, yeah, with Raul Julia and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Torog: Well, I remember it mainly because of Kylie Minogue, but yeah. Anyway, someone decided to make a game version of the movie based off a game.

Chief: Wow, that’s dumb. But what does that have to do with the question?

Torog: (pause) I was that someone.

Meepo: What were you thinking!?

Torog: It was during my postmodernist torture period. It worked, but not quite the way I had hoped. Course, I learned a lot then, so it wasn’t a total waste.

8. WHAT WOULD YOUR BAND BE CALLED?

Torog: You know, it’s funny. I’m actually IN a band. We’re, you know, a pretty big deal around town. Here, lemme give you our demo.

(hands Chief a cassette tape)

Chief: (reading) “Stack Of Mutilated Skulls”. Seriously? Are, they, like, your own skulls that you mutilated? Or are they the skulls of other dudes? Did you get volunteers? I’m very intrigued as to the logistics of this name.

Torog: (looking directly at camera) And also, check out our “The Glourious Slaughter: Live In Menzoberranzan” concert, on DVD and CD, available on our website!

Meepo: …Moving on.

9. WHAT WERE THE LAST THREE THINGS YOU GOOGLED?

Torog: (pulls out phone) “bdsm???”, “how to tell if girlfriend pragnent”, and “new kid rock song”.

10. ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
-MAC OR PC?
-DC OR MARVEL?
-SONY, MICROSOFT, OR NINTENDO?
-STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?

Torog: Microsoft, for sure. I took one look at the One’s sharing policy and went “I could learn a lot from them”.

11. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA FIND?

Torog: …Seriously? Did you go there? Dude, don’t even get me started on those guys. They’re nothing but…

Meepo: Don’t say it, man. Just stop right there.

Torog: …huge…

Meepo: You better not.

Torog: SELLOUTS.

Meepo: (screams) HOW DARE YOU

(Meepo tears his shirt open, revealing a St. Anger shirt)

Torog: Oh GOD, you’re one of THOSE. (tears HIS shirt open, revealing a Metal Up Your Ass shirt) I burned my Black Album cassette the day I bought it.

Meepo: Man, what do you even know? They didn’t come into their own until 2003.

Torog: OH my GOD. Okay, that’s it. I can’t do this any more.

(Torog storms out through the emergency exit)

—–

Chief: (glares at Meepo) Nice job. Way to keep it together.

Meepo: (glares at the door Torog walked out of) Whatever. He’s lame anyway.

Chief: Um, well, anyway, I guess that’s it for us this week. Thanks to Torog-

Meepo: Nope.

Chief: -for joining us. Come back next week!

The Chief (what the hey was that, bro?)

Meepo (sorry, man, it’s just- screw that dude)

Questions With No Depth Perception

Meepo: It’s that time again, cats and kittens! We ask someone famous a bunch of questions, and hopefully their answers are entertaining enough to bother printing! That’s right- Interview With A Deity is up… NEXT!!!

(Le Rouet d’Omphale plays for a bit)

Chief: …And, we’re BACK! Hello out there everyone, and another hello to all the viewers at home. I hope you’re ready for the greatest personal interview show ever made! This week, we talk with that perennial Johnny Law himself, He Who Won Second Place At The Begonia Festival Three Years Running, the always-trustworthy Gruumsh!

Gruumsh: Uh, before we continue, I just want to say that I’ve actually decided to change my name.

Chief: Oh?

Gruumsh: Uh, yeah, I figured it was time for an upgrade, you know? “Gruumsh” was a little out of date, a little stodgy, and- real talk- it sounded kinda evil, and gave a bad first impression.

Meepo: Wasn’t it supposed to? I mean, chaotic evil god of orcs… “Bad” kinda seems like a match made in heaven with that.

Gruumsh: Uh, well, I suppose that’s true, but I figured it was just time to get with the times, I guess.

Chief: Okay, I can respect that. What are you changing it to?

Gruumsh: Uh, call me #TopKekG from now on.

Chief: What.

Meepo: Heh. Couldn’t fit an arobase in there?

#TopKekG: Uh, I don’t know what that is.

Chief: Neither do I, actually.

Meepo: It’s the French name for the at-sign. You know, @?

Chief: I didn’t know it was called that.

Meepo: Well, it’s not called that HERE, but there isn’t really an official name for it in English, so people have been suggesting names for it left and right, and one of the many suggestions is “arobase”, because that’s what it’s called in France. I went with it because it’s probably my favorite one. I mean, come on. “Strudel”? That’s just dumb.

#TopKekG: Uh, yeah, okay. Sure. But anyway, I tried to work in an at-sign into my new name, but since it and the pound sign both go at the front, I could only have one or the other.

Meepo: Hashtag.

#TopKekG: Uh, what?

Meepo: When used for the purposes of categorizing posts, pound signs are referred to as “hashtags”.

#TopKekG: Uh, okay I guess. That’s kinda weird, but alright. What was wrong with the old name?

Chief: Man, I dunno. But anyway, we have you here for a reason, so let’s get down to business.

1. WHO/WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DREAM DATE?

#TopKekG: Uh, Bryce Dallas Howard.

Chief: …Really?

#TopKekG: Uh, definitely.

Chief: I’m not saying she’s not attractive or anything, it’s just that she doesn’t really strike me as the kind of woman you’d find attractive.

#TopKekG: Uh, well, I’ve just always thought she had that real classic, old-style beauty. I dunno, man, now it seems weird cause you’re putting me on the spot.

2. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

#TopKekG: Uh, that’s a good one. You know, this might sound weird, but Bryan Cranston. I mean, yeah, I know my head is a bit more flattened and squashed down than his. And I know he doesn’t have an upturned nose. But really look at a picture of him. The jawline is similar. The cheekbones are in the same place. Even the creases in his skin are near where mine are. Plus, have you seen Godzilla? Man, he did a great job. I think he could totally pull it off.

Chief: Of all the acting jobs he’s done, you picked Godzilla? Why not the one that won him a bunch of acting awards? Well, one of the ones, anyway.

#TopKekG: Uh, well, I like that movie. It’s cool. Godzilla’s all like (does Godzilla impression), and then everyone’s all like “aah, oh no”. It’s good stuff.

Chief: …I see.

3. DO YOU READ THE COMMENTS ONLINE?

#TopKekG: Uh, actually, yeah. They’re pretty hilarious. I like to make people read the really bad or dumb ones as punishment.

4. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU CAN’T DO, THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD?

#TopKekG: Uh, I’m gonna admit, I kinda wish I had two eyes. Binocular vision, turns out, is a very useful tool. Oh well. Live and learn, I suppose.

5. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY, LIVING OR DEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER?

#TopKekG: Uh, raw deer. Man, I love venison.

Chief: Where could you even order raw deer?

#TopKekG: Uh, you know, that’s actually a pretty good question. (shrugs) I’d probably bring it in with me.

Meepo: Breakin’ the law, breakin’ breakin’ the law. Nice.

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MONSTER?

#TopKekG: Uh, dang. That’s a good one too. Based on what I said earlier, you’d think Godzilla. And you might be correct. I dunno. There’s so many great choices. Count Orlok. Anything played by Christopher Lee. Gill-man.

Meepo: You really like the classics, I see.

#TopKekG: Uh, definitely.

7. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST BONEHEADED THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

#TopKekG: Uh, well, there was this one time where… okay, pop quiz, hotshot- did you know I was the cause of the first ever recorded instance, ever, of deicide?

Chief: I can’t say I knew that, no.

#TopKekG: Uh, yeah, that was me. I was the first person ever in  history to kill a god. I even remember thinking “huh, turns out they can be killed”.

Meepo: “They”? Were you not a deity at that point? Even more impressive.

#TopKekG: Uh, well, I was definitely a god. I was born a god. But I’m obviously unstoppable. But the REST of them are equally obviously not, if Re was any indication.

Meepo: Re? Like, “Horus-Re” Re?

#TopKekG: Uh, yep. He was just “Horus” before that. What a time to be alive, I tell ya.

Chief: But getting back to my original point: we’re talking something stupid you did. You sound proud of that… accomplishment.

#TopKekG: Uh, you know, that’s a good point. I guess I don’t know then. I don’t think I’ve ever really regretted anything I’ve done.

8. WHAT WOULD YOUR BAND BE CALLED?

#TopKekG: Uh, Brutale.

Chief: Does that rhyme with “tail” or “tamale”?

#TopKekG: Uh, you heard me pronounce it.

Chief: You know what? Moving on.

9. WHAT WERE THE LAST THREE THINGS YOU GOOGLED?

#TopKekG: (pulls out phone) Uh, “dress patterns”, “who wrote the notebook”, and “list of american girl dolls”.

(Chief blinks a couple times)

#TopKekG: Uh, someone took my phone. Uh… my girlfriend. Yeah. Um, you wouldn’t know her. She lives in Mechanus. She’s really hot though.

Chief: I wasn’t gonna say anything.

10. ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
-MAC OR PC?
-DC OR MARVEL?
-SONY, MICROSOFT, OR NINTENDO?
-STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?

#TopKekG: Uh, I think Nintendo treats their fans the best, so I’m gonna have to go with them.

Chief: So you’re a player of the video game, eh?

#TopKekG: Uh, well, you see, I’m actually not. I just answered that one because so far, no interviewee has picked that one to answer. I’ve actually never really played games before. I mean, I played Pac-Man and Pong and stuff back in the day, of course. But I haven’t touched it in years. So I did some research on the three companies, and picked what seems to be the most reasonable choice.

Chief: Interesting.

11. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA FIND?

#TopKekG: Uh, Dream Theater tickets, I hope.

—–

Meepo: Thanks for sticking around, everyone! Thanks to #TopKekG for coming by, and Chief and I hope you come by next week for more deific action!

The Chief (I know what you’re thinking)

Meepo (yeah, dude- if she lives in Mechanus, how was she using his phone?)

Hercules: The Legendary Interview

Chief: Hello, it’s The Chief here with my pal Meepo, and we’re talking today with famous Greco-Roman demigod Hercules.

Hercules: BAHAHAHA Hello, Chief! And a good morn to you as well, Sir Meepo!

Meepo: Hear that, boss? Sir. I like the sound of that.

Chief: That actually does sound pretty cool. But anyway.

—–

1. WHO/WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DREAM DATE?

Hercules: Oh, that’s easy. The gym.

Meepo: Like, “the gym” the gym?

Hercules: Oh, yeah. We’d go and crunch some lats, blast some quads, maybe get a little pec and glute action, if you know what I mean. BAHAHAHA

Meepo: No, I don’t.

Chief: (loudly clears throat) Let’s move on.

2. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

Hercules: You know, I’ve actually thought about this a lot. So far, in the top of the running are Steve Reeves, Lou Ferrigno, Ryan Gosling, Dwayne Johnson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Kevin Sorbo.

Chief: …Seriously?

Hercules: Yeah, man.

Chief: Like, really for real? You’re really serious?

Hercules: …Uh, yeah. Why is that so weird?

Chief: Because they all HAVE played you. Some of them multiple times.

Hercules: Get OUTTA here! Since when!?

Meepo: At least the 30s.

Hercules: BAHAHAHA wow, outrageous!

3. DO YOU READ THE COMMENTS ONLINE?

Hercules: Of course I do! I’m a moderator on bodybuilding.com, as a matter of fact.

Chief: (rolls eyes) Of course you are.

4. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU CAN’T DO, THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD?

Hercules: Oh, I know this one too! Uh, the answer is “get even more ripped”.

Meepo: …This isn’t a quiz, you know.

5. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY, LIVING OR DEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER?

Hercules: Protein shake, lean grilled steak, baked- NOT FRIED- french fries, and a side salad.

Chief: Sounds pretty tasty.

Hercules: Yeah, gotta keep at my target weight. I’ve figured out the meal plan that works best for me.

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MONSTER?

Hercules: The hydra. Man, I can mess that dude up six ways from Sunday. I’d give him one’a THESE, and one’a THOSE!

(Hercules starts shadow boxing in his seat)

Chief: Okay, boss, calm down.

7. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST BONEHEADED THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

Hercules: Labor thirteen.

Chief: Wow, that was quick. Wait, I thought there were only twelve.

Hercules: Technically, there were. Officially.

Meepo: Ooh, secrets!

Hercules: Well, it isn’t so much a secret, as it is merely an unofficial addendum to the list.

Chief: What was it?

Hercules: I had to kill the former god of war and claim his vacant throne for myself.

Meepo: …Hold on a minute. That sounds familiar.

Chief: Are you saying that boss fight from God Of War III was actually true?

Hercules: It was indeed. Guess who won, though!? BAHAHAHA

8. WHAT WOULD YOUR BAND BE CALLED?

Hercules: Ripped & The Beefcakes.

Meepo: Wow. That’s… wow.

Hercules: I know, right!? BAHAHAHA

9. WHAT WERE THE LAST THREE THINGS YOU GOOGLED?

Hercules: (pulls out phone) “hercules awesome”, “hercules self portrait”, and “where are delts”.

10. ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
-MAC OR PC?
-DC OR MARVEL?
-SONY, MICROSOFT, OR NINTENDO?
-STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?

Hercules: I’m going with part 2. Marvel. I thought it was great when Hercules took over for the Hulk back a few years ago when Bruce got arrested.

Chief: You know, you might be the only person around that would rather read a Hercules comic than a Hulk comic.

Hercules: What can I say? He’s a good dude! BAHAHAHA

11. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA FIND?

Hercules: Hopefully, I’m gonna find out the location of the nearest 24 hour gym- I’ve been sitting still for way too long.

—–

Chief: And that does it for another installment of Interview With A Deity: Hercules Edition! Thanks to today’s guest Hercules- I hope he finds the time to stop by again soon! See you next week, everyone!

Meepo: Cheers!

The Chief (Seriously, what an awful band name)

Meepo (Hey check this out- [Hercules voice] “I know, right!? WAH WAH WAH WAH”. …Okay, he didn’t ACTUALLY sound like The Penguin, but still)

Delleb Compares Notes

Chief: Hello everyone, and welcome to an all new Interview With A Deity! Today’s guest is Delleb, Greyhawk deity of reason, intellect, and study. So, how’s it going, Delleb?

Delleb: Hm, quite. Quite good, I say. Wait, didn’t you have a partner? A kobold, if I recall?

Chief: I fired him. But anyway, I’m glad to hear you’re doing well.

Delleb: Fired? My word, how horrible.

Chief: Nah, just joking. He’s out sick.

Delleb: Joking? You mean… lying? (glares at him) You know how much I hate lies and fictions.

Chief: (looks around nervously) Haha, okay, time to calm down. Like I said, just a joke.

(Delleb keeps glaring at Chief)

Chief: Wow, yeah, let’s just get the ball rolling, shall we?

—–

1. WHO/WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DREAM DATE?

Delleb: The nerdier the better. And I’ve always wanted to go on a library tour.

Chief: Library tour? What’s that?

Delleb: Well, I suppose it’s not appropriate for a date, however. But it’s when you go on a cross-country tour and visit at least one library in each state.

Chief: Yeah, that definitely would take up more time than one date would offer. So you go in for the bookish ladies, eh?

Delleb: Well, yeah, Chief. Come on.

2. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

Delleb: Ian McKellan. He looks old enough, he’s used to the kind of out-there dialogue that a movie about me would have, and he’s smart enough- and a good enough actor- to sell “nerdy, yet badass”.

Chief: Good choice.

Delleb: Plus, he’s got the jawline.

3. DO YOU READ THE COMMENTS ONLINE?

Delleb: I’ve tried. I can attest that the internet is a wonderful place to research and gather information. But it also contains some of the most asinine, wrongheaded moron I’ve ever encountered.

Chief: So you swore off internet comments, then? Bad experience?

Delleb: There’s no reason to them. They make no sense. SO many of them painfully misunderstand the most basic tenets of whatever they’re angry at the other person for “getting wrong”. It’s horrifying. I tried it a couple times, and I just couldn’t do it. I gave it up.

4. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU CAN’T DO, THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD?

Delleb: …Honestly, I’m not really sure there is anything. I mean, I spend so much time reading that I could easily learn basically anything i wanted to do.

Chief: Which means?

Delleb: That anything I can’t do should be attributed to a lack of desire, not a lack of ability.

Chief: Hm. I see.

5. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY, LIVING OR DEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER?

Delleb: There isn’t one specific thing I would definitely choose. I would take some time and research what dish they would be most partial to, and go from there.

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MONSTER?

Delleb: I don’t have one. I don’t watch movies. Like I mentioned earlier, I hate lies. And fiction is the biggest lie. Non of it happened, and you went into it knowing that full well! Absurd.

Chief: …You know there are nonfiction movies, too right? They’re called documentaries.

Delleb: You don’t say? Hm. I’ll have to make a note of that.

7. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST BONEHEADED THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

Delleb: Okay, one time, back a looong time ago, Hextor came to kill me.

Chief: Hextor? Like, HEXTOR Hextor?

Delleb: Yes. What other Hextors do you know?

Chief: Uh, none, I guess.

Delleb: Anyway, he was still young at the time. And he broke in, trying to kill me. I grabbed the only thing I had at my disposal- my trusty quill pen- and successfully fended him off. The pen truly IS mightier than the sword.

Chief: Nice. Wait, I asked for the dumbest thing you ever did.

Delleb: By the gods, man! I fought Hextor with a pen! Literally fought him, with a pen! (makes fencing hand gestures) So what if I won!? That’s just about the dumbest thing anyone could do!

Chief: Fair enough.

8. WHAT WOULD YOUR BAND BE CALLED?

Delleb: I don’t “do” music. I like listening to it, but I have no interest in making it.

Chief: Which I find interesting. I mean, you really can’t get more “universal truth” than music. Math, maybe, but music is just math with a rhythm.

Delleb: Okay. If I were to entertain the possibility, I’d call me “Delleb”.

Chief: That’s it? No band name?

Delleb: No band. I would do it by myself, searching for the ultimate truth through music.

Chief: Ah, a solo act. That’s cool.

9. WHAT WERE THE LAST THREE THINGS YOU GOOGLED?

Delleb: (pulls out phone) “syrul weak spot”, “date of next years freeday”, and, uh… “nerdgirlsxxx”.

Chief: Hey, man, no worries. You’re not even the first person on here to bust out a mention like that. Hephaestus did that just a couple weeks ago.

10. ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
-MAC OR PC?
-DC OR MARVEL?
-SONY, MICROSOFT, OR NINTENDO?
-STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?

Delleb: I choose the first one. I love my Mac. It’s so easy to use. I don’t think I’ve seen a UI that’s more intuitive. Besides, I couldn’t tell you anything about any of the rest of the things you listed.

Chief: DC and Marvel are competing comic book companies. Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo are the three largest video game manufacturers. And Star Trek and Star Wars are the two most popular science fiction franchises.

Delleb: Ah. Yeah, nerts to ’em all.

11. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA FIND?

Delleb: I don’t know what that means.

Chief: (sighs) Yeah, no one apparently does. Tell me- what do you think it means?

Delleb: It sounds to me like you’re curious as to the information I will discover.

Chief: Sure.

Delleb: Oh, well then, in that case, I’ll let you know when I find it. I bet it’ll be interesting!

—–

Chief: Well, that’s all the time we have today, folks! I am The Chief, and on behalf of both myself and Meepo, I’d like to thank Delleb for coming by today, and for you to take the time to watch! See you next week!

The Chief (I really hope we get someone that can answer that question correctly one of these days)