Meepo: Hello and welcome to Thursday’s Interview With A Deity. I am your host Meepo, and we will be talking today with demon lord and god of minotaurs, Baphomet. Hello, Baphomet, I’m glad you could make it today.
Baphomet: And I’m glad you asked. I think we’re gonna have a good time. I’m looking forward to it.
Meepo: So am I, my good man.
1. WHO/WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DREAM DATE?
Baphomet: Do you want a joke answer, or the real answer?
Meepo: Hmmm. Is “both” possible?
Baphomet: My answer is “a marathon of all three Mad Max movies, a large plate of nachos, and Audrey Hepburn”. Now, you have to piece together whether I mean it or not.
Meepo: Man, I don’t know you well enough.
Baphomet: You just might, by the end of this.
2. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?
Baphomet: You know, I’d go with Steve Buscemi.
Meepo: Interesting. I must confess, I’m not sure I see a resemblance. What made you choose him?
Baphomet: Well, let’s be honest. No one really has a resemblance to him. He has a very… unique appearance. But, honestly, I’m not quite sure why. It just felt like the right choice, in some secret way.
3. DO YOU READ THE COMMENTS ONLINE?
Baphomet: Oh yeah. Definitely.
Meepo: And why is that?
Baphomet: My online dealings don’t really flock to places like Reddit, or 4chan, or places that are hotbeds of offensive chatter. Even YouTube I tend to stay away from.
Meepo: What kind of sites do you frequent?
Baphomet: Well, I really use the internet primarily as a procurement tool. I buy things off Amazon or eBay, I check the stock prices in the morning- I’m teaching myself investment banking!- things like that. I read my comics every day.
Meepo: Oh? What kind of comics do you read?
Baphomet: Man, I’ve been a huge fan of webcomics for years. Wondermark, Hark! A Vagrant, Perry Bible Fellowship. Nedroid. I just started getting into Chester 5000, and I’m really liking that, although it is not for kids, I can assure you of that. But anyway, there’s a stable of around a dozen to twenty comics that I read, and I spend about an hour each day when I first wake up going through and checking all of them.
Meepo: Okay, that’s five. What are some other ones you regularly read?
Baphomet: Uh, Questionable Content, Dinosaur Comics, xkcd. Rutabaga is pretty good. Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. Oglaf, which is also not for kids. I used to read MS Paint Adventures, but it got too confusing and storylines went on for too long to continue to hold my interest. I occasionally will read Dr. McNinja, but that’s not necessarily a everyday thing. And there’s a few more I’m sure I’m forgetting.
Meepo: What about that really famous one, about video games?
Baphomet: I assume you’re referring to Penny Arcade. No, I don’t read it. I don’t really go in for video games, so the subject matter didn’t interest me. Plus, I found the language to be a bit crude for my taste.
4. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU CAN’T DO, THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD?
Baphomet: Write good poetry. Everything I crank out just sounds like bad angsty teenager crap.
Meepo: You write poetry?
Baphomet: Gotta do something.
5. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY, LIVING OR DEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER?
Meepo: No, we were wondering what you would order, not who- oh, wait. Nice.
6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MONSTER?
Baphomet: (rubs back of neck awkwardly) Uh, probably the minotaur.
Meepo: In retrospect, “duh” on me.
7. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST BONEHEADED THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?
Baphomet: Not making a move on Pale Night.
Meepo: Interesting. I thought you two got along. What did she do to get your goat, if you’ll excuse the pun?
Baphomet: No, that’s not it. I guess I misspoke. Make a move on her, as in try to get her. Like, romantically.
Meepo: I… see. Well, now would be a perfect chance to tell her, considering that once this comes out, she’ll likely know.
Baphomet: Yeah, I know, I just… we’ve been friends for so long, and it might just seem weird, and- oh, I just got it! “Get your goat”, because I’m a minotaur! Ha! Okay, nice.
8. WHAT WOULD YOUR BAND BE CALLED?
9. WHAT WERE THE LAST THREE THINGS YOU GOOGLED?
Baphomet: (pulls out phone) “sensitive and misunderstood”, “just needs a hug”, and “xenu”.
10. ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
-MAC OR PC?
-DC OR MARVEL?
-SONY, MICROSOFT, OR NINTENDO?
-STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?
Baphomet: Oh, Star Trek, definitely. I really identify with it in this weird way, you know? It’s all about a group of different people that all share a common goal, traveling to all these different places, and cultures, and meeting all these different people, with such diversity, and the whole point is to not interfere. To just keep them the way they are, you know? Very inspiring.
11. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA FIND?
Baphomet: Man, good question. (long pause) A way to accept it.
Meepo: It seems we’ve run out of time, so Baphomet, I want to thank you for deciding to come by today.
Baphomet: Oh, no problem at all, Meepo. I’m hoping we can do it again.
Meepo (here’s hoping to many more guests in the future)